I envy everyone that gets to see the people they love most everyday

My mom lives a 3hr highway drive away- I see my mom 6 times a year - I miss her so much

My best friend lives 7hrs drive away- I've seen my bestfriend 2 times since she's gone to university is September - I miss her so much

My boyfriend lives a 24hr flight away- I've spent one amazing week with my boyfriend before he had to go back home to Australia. I miss him the most<3 

Update

Hello everyone, its been a while since I've written here, and well if you follow this, you'd know that I had been dealing with a lot. I had been diagnosed with depression. I was having a really really hard time being happy. I was just always sad, I started to cut out people, started keeping to myself and just stopped talking with people. I even took a break from the MTG community which I am an admin of. I couldn't handle any stress at all, I was literally falling apart. I was in a dark place, and I was scared.

As some of you may know, I went on vacation last week, and I was with someone special<3 And that's my amazing lovely boyfriend. He is very supportive of me. He's been helping me through my tough time, and just being able to spend time with him, has helped even more, the week and a half off from work away from stress was exactly what I needed to clear my head. I am in a better place now, but I know I am not fully where I need to be yet. I am on medication to keep my emotions in check. I am better than I was, a lot better, but still need to work on a lot. If I am not careful I can slip back down again. Its a different battle everyday and I have to stick with it.

Thank you all of you for your support as well<3 You guys are amazing.

RIP BEAR

This is my moms dog bear. She got him and 2 other dogs from her aunt who is a dog breeder after she had lost her other dog due to a tragic fire. Bear though, he was special, he was very very ill when my mom decided to take him. Almost lifeless. My mom nursed him back to health, but that wasn't the last time he'd get sick. This cute little guy when through a lot of battles of being almost completely lifeless, no vet was fully sure as to what was wrong. Until one day my mom had brought him along when she was coming to visit me, and he was so near death that I told her she HAD to take him to the animal hospital, that she couldn't just give up on him. I even helped her pay the $2000+ vet bill for his stay there for the weekend. It was discovered that he has hypodipsia which occurs in Miniature Schnauzers. Which is what he was. Hypodipsia is the inability to know to drink water. The sensory in the brain does not signal when the dog needs to drink, the dog is not aware that it needs to drink or that its thirsty so it doesn't drink at all. This causes the dog to get very very dehydrated and if not looked after right can cause death. So for bear, he has to live on wet food mixed with water to be able to live stable. This was the reason he had gotten sick so many times. And because its so rare many vets don't realize or even know what it is. I learned about it in college, as I went for veterinary assistant, my teacher was a full time vet so she is aware of it. But since this dog had been sick so many times, we believe it may have caused some damage in his brain, but nothing too severe. He was just a little bit dopey at times. And when this dog was healthy you'd never guess that he'd ever been sick because he was so full of life. This dog was very inspiring to my mom and to myself. Because he taught us, no matter what life throws at us, to just live it up and be happy, live as if nothing was ever wrong. This boy was soo full of energy all the time he just made us laugh a lot. Though he would walk into things sometimes. But we loved him.

Although my mom was able to extend his life a few years longer, sadly he passed away a week and a few days ago. He was having seizures and just so stiff and lifeless, he fought so many battles, and this one he wasn't looking like he could win. He was a trooper, and it was so hard for my mom to let him go, but she knew what the right choice was. She had to say goodbye to her sunshine, the one dog that taught her so much about life in just a short time. It breaks my heart that my mom has to lose another dog again. He was such a happy full of life dog when he was healthy. He will be greatly loved and always missed. Luckily we were blessed with a lovely puppy that he was a proud father of.

RIP Bear, you are greatly and truly missed<3 xoxo 

Everyone who says they look up to me

I dont understand why. Sure yes I have youtube, and I have gotten a few followers because of amazing help from my amazing friends. But when people say they look up to me, it scares me because I know that I no good. Yes I am a nice person and I always try to help people. But secretly I am falling apart.

I have stopped tending to my youtube at the moment due to some trouble I have been having. I have recently been diagnosed as depressed. And I had been seeking help for it. I have seen a therapist, I went twice. My second visit though, it didn't go to well. She upset me so bad I didn't want to go back. I am also on medication, which isn't working to well for me so I have to change it. 

I've started keeping to myself now, I stopped writing here, I barely talk to people, I have just kept to myself and shut others out. I guess because I didn't want people to know, and because I didn't want people to feel bad for me. Because thats not what I want, I don't want people to see me differently. I still want them to see that good side of me. Not this me that is falling apart. 

The only reason I am writing this right now, is well because a) its a form of therapy for me, and b) because I know there are many people out there who feel as if they aren't good enough, and many people suffer depression and feel alone, and this, this is for them. To know that you are not alone. 

Yesterday was Self-Injury Awareness Day, and for anyone out there who is hurting themselves, please please see someone about it. Please seek help. I've known a few people who have self-harmed to deal with things. Its hard, and I understand that.

This is my message for the day. You are not alone<3

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I have stopped writing here... I am sorry I have slowed down my video postings.. I am going through a lot right now, and I have slowed down, and put off a lot. Things for me are off and on right now. And I am trying to get my life back on a balance right now. Its a little off, I haven't been in the greatest of moods. Things keep piling up. I haven't had the easiest life. But nor have most people, so I wont go into details. Just Know I will be ok, I am looking into getting some help to make things better, and I am still here, just working on my personal issues right now. I will post when I can.

Thanks to Carl_briscoe for nominating me for a SHorty for blogging

http://shortyawards.com/?category=blogger&screen_name=savvystardust  If you guys love this blog, please go vote that would be amazing I am 33rd out of 770

here comes a novel of a read :P (just jumbled thoughts)

No he's not perfect, But I don't want perfect, I'm not perfect, therefore he's perfect for me. Because we both perfectly imperfect. I don't always make the right choices, or say the right things. I don't always speak up when things are wrong. I'm the person that smiling and laughing genuinely but, underneath it all I am still broken. I've come to terms with accepting I will always have chips and cracks in my heart, and scars from my past. I will still have issues with things playing over in my head that I thought I had once buried. Things that still haunt me, will always haunt me at some point, but that doesn't me that I am not happy, because I am happy. I've been through a lot of things I wish  I never had to go through but, I came out stronger.

Life is a curveball, you can't predict where its going to go. Life is one big lesson. Everyone makes mistakes... I make mistakes, I've made some really stupid choices in my life, but they lead to me learning a valuable lesson. I know there's been times where I've made the same mistakes.. and there's been times where I made mistakes, knowingly that they were mistakes but made them anyways. I have done a lot of things I am not proud of. I've made friends with the wrong people, let them influence me into other wrong things. I never made these mistakes under a right set of mind, most of the mistakes I made when I knew I was making them, was when I was going through a darker time in my life. I became I guess you could say, destructive. I knew what I was doing was harmful to me mentally/emotionally, but I made the mistakes anyways, because I just didn't care anymore.

I look back now, and the person I used to be, she kind of scares me in a way, not in a way that she was crazy or that I was crazy, but like in a way of how I felt back then, how sad I was, how angry I used to get, how alone I had felt.

I still truly believe I am just misunderstood. There are times where I do still feel alone. I don't know why I feel the way I do.. Maybe its because I am afraid to open up to people. I get scared to let people get to close to me. I have this horrible habit of when people get to close I just run, I run the opposite way (metaphorically) and just start over...
Its funny, cause I know when I find someone who makes me REALLY REALLY happy, I get scared... Because I know from the past that when things got really good, something happened to take that away. I guess after 4 years I just sort of got used to that pattern. Same with the pattern of people getting close, and then just leaving. I have gotten so used to it, that I just expect it to happen, but yet, it still scares me because I don't want to get hurt.

I am a happy person, an optimistic person, I love being happy, and laughing, and smiling, I love all that, but my insecurities make me afraid of being unhappy. I don't like feel that way. But then again, I dont mind feel sad every now and then, and having a good cry, because that's healthy. The feeling that terrifies me is "emptiness". Thats the point where I choose that I don't want to feel sad, because that level of sadness is something I don't want to feel so I push it out, but yet, it still looms, so I can't be happy so you just end up feeling empty, because you choose not to feel anything. That has to be the one feeling I don't want to feel again.

Wow I ranted on a lot in this. But I guess its good because I was getting a lot of thoughts out of my mind. I hope while reading this you understand what I was getting at... or whatever, I don't even know anymore what the point I was making is. But I guess I was just discussing that my past, not perfect, but despite everything I have been through, everything I have felt, I am still a happy person.

Sometimes I don't know how I am so happy, I guess because Happiness is a choice we make, and I choose to be happy because I don't want to miss out on good things in life by being sad all the time. Anyways Before I end up writing a whole book, I probably should stop.