Monday 9 January 2012
Thanks to Carl_briscoe for nominating me for a SHorty for blogging
Sunday 8 January 2012
here comes a novel of a read :P (just jumbled thoughts)
No he's not perfect, But I don't want perfect, I'm not perfect, therefore he's perfect for me. Because we both perfectly imperfect. I don't always make the right choices, or say the right things. I don't always speak up when things are wrong. I'm the person that smiling and laughing genuinely but, underneath it all I am still broken. I've come to terms with accepting I will always have chips and cracks in my heart, and scars from my past. I will still have issues with things playing over in my head that I thought I had once buried. Things that still haunt me, will always haunt me at some point, but that doesn't me that I am not happy, because I am happy. I've been through a lot of things I wish I never had to go through but, I came out stronger.
Life is a curveball, you can't predict where its going to go. Life is one big lesson. Everyone makes mistakes... I make mistakes, I've made some really stupid choices in my life, but they lead to me learning a valuable lesson. I know there's been times where I've made the same mistakes.. and there's been times where I made mistakes, knowingly that they were mistakes but made them anyways. I have done a lot of things I am not proud of. I've made friends with the wrong people, let them influence me into other wrong things. I never made these mistakes under a right set of mind, most of the mistakes I made when I knew I was making them, was when I was going through a darker time in my life. I became I guess you could say, destructive. I knew what I was doing was harmful to me mentally/emotionally, but I made the mistakes anyways, because I just didn't care anymore.
I look back now, and the person I used to be, she kind of scares me in a way, not in a way that she was crazy or that I was crazy, but like in a way of how I felt back then, how sad I was, how angry I used to get, how alone I had felt.
I still truly believe I am just misunderstood. There are times where I do still feel alone. I don't know why I feel the way I do.. Maybe its because I am afraid to open up to people. I get scared to let people get to close to me. I have this horrible habit of when people get to close I just run, I run the opposite way (metaphorically) and just start over...
Its funny, cause I know when I find someone who makes me REALLY REALLY happy, I get scared... Because I know from the past that when things got really good, something happened to take that away. I guess after 4 years I just sort of got used to that pattern. Same with the pattern of people getting close, and then just leaving. I have gotten so used to it, that I just expect it to happen, but yet, it still scares me because I don't want to get hurt.
I am a happy person, an optimistic person, I love being happy, and laughing, and smiling, I love all that, but my insecurities make me afraid of being unhappy. I don't like feel that way. But then again, I dont mind feel sad every now and then, and having a good cry, because that's healthy. The feeling that terrifies me is "emptiness". Thats the point where I choose that I don't want to feel sad, because that level of sadness is something I don't want to feel so I push it out, but yet, it still looms, so I can't be happy so you just end up feeling empty, because you choose not to feel anything. That has to be the one feeling I don't want to feel again.
Wow I ranted on a lot in this. But I guess its good because I was getting a lot of thoughts out of my mind. I hope while reading this you understand what I was getting at... or whatever, I don't even know anymore what the point I was making is. But I guess I was just discussing that my past, not perfect, but despite everything I have been through, everything I have felt, I am still a happy person.
Sometimes I don't know how I am so happy, I guess because Happiness is a choice we make, and I choose to be happy because I don't want to miss out on good things in life by being sad all the time. Anyways Before I end up writing a whole book, I probably should stop.
Life is a curveball, you can't predict where its going to go. Life is one big lesson. Everyone makes mistakes... I make mistakes, I've made some really stupid choices in my life, but they lead to me learning a valuable lesson. I know there's been times where I've made the same mistakes.. and there's been times where I made mistakes, knowingly that they were mistakes but made them anyways. I have done a lot of things I am not proud of. I've made friends with the wrong people, let them influence me into other wrong things. I never made these mistakes under a right set of mind, most of the mistakes I made when I knew I was making them, was when I was going through a darker time in my life. I became I guess you could say, destructive. I knew what I was doing was harmful to me mentally/emotionally, but I made the mistakes anyways, because I just didn't care anymore.
I look back now, and the person I used to be, she kind of scares me in a way, not in a way that she was crazy or that I was crazy, but like in a way of how I felt back then, how sad I was, how angry I used to get, how alone I had felt.
I still truly believe I am just misunderstood. There are times where I do still feel alone. I don't know why I feel the way I do.. Maybe its because I am afraid to open up to people. I get scared to let people get to close to me. I have this horrible habit of when people get to close I just run, I run the opposite way (metaphorically) and just start over...
Its funny, cause I know when I find someone who makes me REALLY REALLY happy, I get scared... Because I know from the past that when things got really good, something happened to take that away. I guess after 4 years I just sort of got used to that pattern. Same with the pattern of people getting close, and then just leaving. I have gotten so used to it, that I just expect it to happen, but yet, it still scares me because I don't want to get hurt.
I am a happy person, an optimistic person, I love being happy, and laughing, and smiling, I love all that, but my insecurities make me afraid of being unhappy. I don't like feel that way. But then again, I dont mind feel sad every now and then, and having a good cry, because that's healthy. The feeling that terrifies me is "emptiness". Thats the point where I choose that I don't want to feel sad, because that level of sadness is something I don't want to feel so I push it out, but yet, it still looms, so I can't be happy so you just end up feeling empty, because you choose not to feel anything. That has to be the one feeling I don't want to feel again.
Wow I ranted on a lot in this. But I guess its good because I was getting a lot of thoughts out of my mind. I hope while reading this you understand what I was getting at... or whatever, I don't even know anymore what the point I was making is. But I guess I was just discussing that my past, not perfect, but despite everything I have been through, everything I have felt, I am still a happy person.
Sometimes I don't know how I am so happy, I guess because Happiness is a choice we make, and I choose to be happy because I don't want to miss out on good things in life by being sad all the time. Anyways Before I end up writing a whole book, I probably should stop.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
