Walls

...I need someone to show me its alright to be brave.

...I need someone to show me its alright to not be ok

...I need someone to show me how not to be afraid.

...I need someone to teach me how to trust again

...but, you see, I am not brave, I am afraid... I am terrified to let people get to close. All the people who I have let get the closest to me have left in some way... and it scares me to let people through my doors. I previously mentioned that I am a series of locked doors... sometimes I let people through them, but if things move to quickly, I tend to push them out, close the door and lock it again. I get scared. Don't get me wrong I am a happy person, I just have my fears... all the people who said they'd be there, they walked away at some point. They have hurt me emotionally in some form whether intentionally or not.

It scares me to feel that feeling. To the point where I now just run. If people get to close, I walk away. I don't let them in too far, unless I know they wont go. I am good on my own, I am strong on my own. I do tend to put up walls, some probably thicker than others. But I have good reason to. As I am sure many other do as well... Do you yourself not have walls built up? If not, kudos to you, I wish I could be that strong to not need walls, but I need these to keep me safe. I am happy inside these walls.

I am in no way saying my happiness is fake, because its not, I am generally a happy person, but as a human, I am capable of feeling all types of emotions, and some emotions, I tend to keep hidden away. I keep them safe and locked up. I keep them away from those who will take advantage when I am most vulnerable.

I am a girl who smile through her struggles and tears cause I can see the brightness at the end of the tunnel, and I head towards it. I push everything else away. Mostly in fear.

I build up these walls to protect myself, and the only ones who will get through, are the ones who care enough to take the time to knock them down, and care enough to want to keep me safe.

I feel like I am opening up sometimes way to much in this blog, but at the same time, I know these blogs help other people as well, I know there are many people in the same position as me. And I want to write these to help them. But I guess by writing these and am in someway knocking down some parts of my walls. But I will never fully break them down, not here at least. Somethings are meant to stay safe and always will.