I honestly cant stop writing here.

I guess Theres a heck of a lot going on in my mind these days again. Its been SOOOOO freakin long since I've gotten to my writing. I stopped writing because of a stupid boy who broke my heart at the beginning of the year. That boy tore me apart. He to me was that ONE person I thought I was going to be with, you know, I've known him since I was in kindergarten. We had been best friends in the third grade. I remember the other kids would always tease us in the play ground saying how we were dating. We denied everything because we never did admit it. Seemed like a fairy tale to me when we met up again years later and we picked up where we left off... I thought for sure I'd be with him forever. But of course I was foolish, but not as foolish as him.

He swept me off my feet, convinced me that the previous relationship I was in was bad and wrong.. and well I guess he had me falling for him. Things seemed like they all fell in place. Have you ever felt that way about someone? Then one day, I was in class, about to go in and I get a text from him, saying he needed to talk. Those are words NO ONE ever wants to hear.. and well to sum up this story, he broke up with me over a TEXT MESSAGE, a freakin' text message... not the worst of it either... found out there was another girl.. great right? then she was "gone". And basically from there he lied to me, and used me... then completely broke my heart. He had me holding on to him so long after breaking up because he lead me on. JERK right?

SO basically he really broke my heart, I was afraid to write again, because I was afraid to feel that pain again. I had already been through so much in my life. (you dont even know, well no one really does). You see I always write, its my therapy, most people go to therapists, or some people go to drugs, or alcohol, that was never me. Me I find it SOO hard to talk to people about these things. I've tried, my dad made me see his therapist that he had when my parents first split. It was unsuccessful, all I did was cry. Barely got words out. You see I am a very private person, I rarely open up to people, unless i can really trust them. I get scared. I have been through a lot of tragic things. Which kind of surprises me why I am writing this right now. It kind of terrifies me that I may actually make this public because I am opening up. But I guess its easier for me to open up to strangers, than to people I know. Wow getting off track now, but anyways the whole reason I stopped writing was because I was afraid to feel, I was afraid to go back to feeling that pain, writing is my therapy a way to get out my feelings without having to sit down and talk to someone.

But this particular boy, he broke me so bad when I was already weak, that I was afraid to feel anything to do with being hurt. So I pushed away the pain, I denied it was there, I completely shut down. I went through a period of time where I didn't want to leave my house cause everything reminded me of him. It's not like he was my first boyfriend, because he wasn't I've had a few before him. Nor was he the longest relationship either. I think what the issue was, is that it went from being completely flawless, like a dream, to just being nothing. And then him leading me on and using me afterwards, like after the breakup just to break my heart again, that is what scared me. That someone had the power to do that to me. Make me fall utterly in love, then drop me just like that.

I didn't want to feel that pain again, I put my pens away, my notebooks collected dust, my other blog just sat un-updated. Which made me sad, because I LOVED writing, but I had nothing else to write about. But I guess I have come passed that. It took me a while, a few months, but now I am here back writing. Its scarey though. Opening up to you guys. Letting you into my world, my mind.

Don't get me wrong. I am a happy person, I am, I love life, I love to laugh, you guys see that in my videos. I just have that side of me that's gone through so much struggle. But I guess I am proud of myself, and where I am today. After all that I have been through, I still come out with a smile on my face. Every time I get knocked down, I stand right back up.

But right now, I want to thank some friends, some people I've met over the past few months, you guys are amazing, and wonderful, and I love talking and chillin' with you guys. (if you even read this lol) I want to thank you for being there, even though you probably never even realized, you've made me stronger. You've made me forget the bad in life, and just live for the good. You are the greatest and I love you all for that<3 thanks so much for being amazing. (this is really hard for me to admit). And also to my subs, you guys with you're comments and tweets and messages, you guys you make me smile so much I always look forward to seeing what you guys write. Thanks so much to all of you<3